Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
im holly from the hills drunk
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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