the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
