When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
