2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
