He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
tell me about the fingering
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