ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
