She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
