apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
