i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
