I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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