I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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