If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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