fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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