I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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