Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
