Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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