you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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