"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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