Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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