If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
