Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
This baby is an asshole
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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