You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
