Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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