3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
