She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
