mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
