Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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