He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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