I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
