what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
