I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
