I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
