oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
