I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
