How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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