Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
When are your genitals available?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
