This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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