I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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