Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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