the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
this hospital has no fireball
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
