you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
