I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You can't special order awesome
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
