Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
