i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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