I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
