my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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