I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
