Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
