I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
