I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
