I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
