Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
